What Confidence Means To Me

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Everyone has their definition of what confidence means to them, so I decided to share my story and what confidence means to me.

I had just entered the junior school and to me, the school was going to be fun, it was going to be an adventure I had never been to a public school before, from my kindergarten to elementary school I had gone to a private school so public school was definitely going to be exciting for me. In the first term in school, I had made friends at that time making friends came naturally to me, I was known in school because I was the shortest girl in my class.

By the second term, things started to change my schoolmates started to ask questions about my skin and my body in general, why was my skin two colors? why was I short? Why was I too thin? Was I not eating enough? At first, those questions were just questions to me, I thought oh they are just curious that’s all but by the time I entered my second year in school I was already given nicknames, I was called two-color, grandma, hell I was called a lot of names.

I didn’t let the names get to me at first but as time went by I wouldn’t cope anymore, it got to a point where I would lay down on my bed at night and just cry myself to sleep, I lost confidence in myself, I started to question why I had different skin from everyone else.

My third year in junior school was a struggle, during the day I was this girl that smiled and played a lot but at night I could cry myself to sleep. I became emotionally unstable, I started having mood swings, one minute is smiling the next am angry, everything started to take its toll on me when I was writing my junior school final exams. When the results came out my whole world came crashing down, I was told to repeat my class, and to make things worse my parents (unconsciously) started making me feel like I wasn’t good enough whatever I did at home I didn’t do it right.

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it got to a point I just wouldn’t take the insult anymore and my only retaliation was to start acting out (when I mean start acting out I don’t mean I started using drugs or taking alcohol). I stopped listening to whatever they told me to do (especially my dad) I just wouldn’t take it anymore, I almost committed suicide but then I thought if I killed myself all things I wanted to achieve in life I wouldn’t be able to do it so I stopped having suicidal thoughts.

The best thing that would ever have happened to me during my period of lack of confidence was the music ( it still is the best thing that would ever happen to me), music helped me heal a little bit, I just wouldn’t do without it music.

When I entered senior high school, I thought to myself this is the time for me to get myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself but guess what? It never happened, I still let people call me names and I felt sorry for myself.

I just wouldn’t help I mean there was no one I trusted enough to talk to so I went on living my life as a girl who felt sorry for herself, who has forgotten who and what wants to be, I became a girl who doesn’t believe in herself and what she is capable of if she put her heart into it, I went like for a year.

In my second year in senior school, I had joined a drama group, that group help me a little to get some of my confidence back, I could remember the first drama competition we went for we took second even though none of us had any experience but we were given the second position.

I was happy the first I think I ever tried in life and here given the second position medal, it gives hope that yes I still had some confidence left in me. From I decided that I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone stop me from doing what I wanted, I was done with people telling me what to do and how to live my life.

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Things started to change even though people were still calling me names, I would either smile or tell the person it’s who I am. I became happier, I smiled more but I hadn’t gained confidence in myself, yes I was starting to be comfortable in my own skin but I still didn’t have confidence in myself.

After senior high school, I started working on myself, I started discovering myself, I became impulsive, I started a sport which I love dearly and started a blog which has every day goes by I am happy I started it why? Because of my impulsive decisions and also my gaining confidence in myself which brings me back to my main topic what confidence means to me. Confidence to me is the way I carry myself, the way I dress, and also what I have accomplished, confidence is the way I believe in myself when no one else did.

Having confidence in myself is something I have always struggled but now that I know I am getting confidence back is to me like an achievement to me even though I am just starting to get my confidence back, I know that the sky is just my beginning.

And to you my dear reader who is reading this and are struggling with finding confidence in yourself, I will tell you this belief in yourself because no one else will believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself first.

I can tell you this for sure writing this post has brought nothing but joy even though I was a bit hesitant about sharing my story but I know that writing this post will help someone out there and gives me nothing but happiness.