Everyone has their definition of what confidence means to them, so I decided to share my story and what confidence means to me.
I had just enter junior school and to me school was going to be fun, it was going to be an adventure I had never been to a public school before, from my kindergarten to elementary school I had gone to a private school so public school was definitely going to be exciting for me. In first term in school I had made friends at that time making friends came naturally to me, I was known school because I was the shortest girl in my class.
By second term, things started to change my school mates started to ask question about my skin and my body in general, why was my skin two color? why was I short? Why was I too thin? Was I not eating enough?, At first those questions were just questions to me, I thought oh they are just curious that’s all but by the time I entered my second year in school I was already given nicknames, I was called two color, grandma, hell I was called a lot of names.
I didn’t let the names get to me at first but as time went by I wouldn’t cope anymore, it got to a point where I would lay down on my bed at night and just cry myself to sleep, I lost confidence in myself, I started to question why I had different skin from everyone else.
My third year in junior school was a struggle, during the day I was this girl that smiled and played a lot but at night I could cry myself to sleep. I became emotionally unstable, I started having mood swings, one minute am smiling the next am angry, everything started to take it toll on me when I was writing my junior school final exams. When the results came out my whole world came crushing down, I was told to repeat my class and to make thing worse my parents (unconsciously) started making feel like I wasn’t good enough whatever I did at home I didn’t do it right, it got to a point I just wouldn’t take the insult anymore and my only retaliation was to start acting out (when I mean start acting out I don’t mean I started using drugs or taking alcohol). I stopped listening to whatever they told me to do (especially my dad) I just wouldn’t take it anymore, I almost committed suicide but then I thought if I killed myself all things I wanted achieve in life I wouldn’t be able to do it so I stopped having suicidal thoughts.
The best thing that would ever have happened to me during my period of lack of confidence was music ( it still is the best thing that would ever happen to me), music helped heal a little bit, I just wouldn’t do without music.
When I entered senior high school, I thought to myself this is the time for me to get myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself but guess what? It never happened, I still let people call me names and I felt sorry for myself, I just wouldn’t help I mean there was no one I trusted enough to talk to so I went on living my life as a girl who fell sorry for herself, who has forgotten who and what wants to be, I became a girl who doesn’t believe in herself and what she is capable of if she put her heart into it, I went like for a year.
In my second year in senior school, I had joined a drama group, that group help me a little to get some of my confidence back, I could remember the first drama competition we went for we took second even though none of us had any experience but we were give the second position, I was happy the first I thing I ever tried in life and here given the second position medal, it give hope that yes I still had some confidence left in me. From I decided that I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone stop me doing what I wanted, I was done with people telling what to do and how to live my life.
Things started to change even though people were still calling me names, I would either smile or tell the person it’s who I am. I became happier, I smiled more but I hadn’t gain confidence in myself, yes I was starting be comfortable in my own skin but I still didn’t have confidence in myself.
After senior high school, I started working on myself ,I started discovering myself, I became impulsive, I started a sport which I love dearly and started a blog which has everyday goes by I am happy I started it why? Because of my impulsive decisions and also me gaining confidence in myself which brings me back to my main topic what confidence means to me. Confidence to me is the way I carry myself , the way I dress and also what I have accomplished, confidence is the way I believe in myself when no one else did.
Having confidence in myself is something I have always struggled but now that I know I am getting confidence back is to me like an achievement to me even though I am just starting to get my confidence back, I know that the sky is just my beginning.
And to you my dear reader who is reading this and you are struggling with finding confidencein yourself, I will tell you this believe in yourself because no one else will believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself first.
I can tell you this for sure writing this post has brought nothing but joy even though I was a bit hesitant about sharing my story but I know that writing this post will help someone out there gives me nothing but happiness.